It is becoming more and more difficult to resist the groundswell urging me to run for elective office. Billboards and bumper stickers are literally flooding the landscape. News3Online has the video and details. What began as a modest blog one year ago, Stephen Views the News has stirred the interest and patriotism of citizens across a broad spectrum of political philosophies and demographics. While assembling a group of seasoned advisors I have begun working on a platform that includes:
~ At press conferences, town hall meetings and debates candidates must be connected to a lie detector with the results instantly shown on a 77 inch plasma screen.
~ People of Greek descent can not own Jewish delicatessens. Corned beef and feta on pita does not work!
~ Paid medical insurance for congressmen will be discontinued and they will be required to enroll in a pay-as-you-go HMO.
~ If a congressman votes for the country to go to war they, their children and their grandchildren immediately become eligible for a military draft.
~ For every adult vibrating instrument banned in Alabama a gun will have to be relinquished.
~ Executives of companies that import toys from China are required to have their children play with the toys before they can be released to the public.
~ On the night of elections no results can be released and Wolf Blitzer will be muzzled until every voting location is closed.
~ Members of the National Guard are not permitted to be deployed outside of the United States.
~ No member of the Bush family will be permitted to run for office within the United States.
~ People with safety pins, rings and bars penetrating facial parts are not permitted to work in food stores or restaurants.
~ Cell phones will automatically shut off when entering an automobile, a restaurant or a restroom.
~ For every weapon that a gun manufacturer produces, a bullet proof vest must be donated to a police department.
~ For every Big Mac sold, Ronald McDonald must make a donation to The American Diabetes Association.
~ No member of congress will be allowed to sponsor or vote for a same-sex marriage ban that has engaged the services of a prostitute or solicited sexual favors in an airport restroom.
~ The Environmental Protection Agency will amend its mandate to actually protect the environment and the public.
~ Before a School Board member is allowed to vote on the inclusion of Intelligent Design in the curriculum they must first enroll in No Child Left Behind.
~ FOX News – reference 77 inch plasma screen.
~ To ensure diversity one can only cast a ballot for a candidate of a different race, gender or sexual orientation.
~ Terms for Representatives will be extended from two to three years and terms for Senators reduced from six to four years.
~ The waiting period for former elected officials to register as lobbyists is extended from 2 to 38.5 years.
~ Before a congressman can pontificate about expelling the 12 to 20 million undocumented residents in the U.S. they are required to present a practical plan to implement the expulsion.
~ Before one can watch fireworks on July 4th it is required to know the significance of the holiday being celebrated. This requirement has special application for the President and Vice President of the United States.
We are a most fortunate people to have inherited the legacy of freedom and opportunity that began on this date 232 years ago. In appreciation I wish you a happy Day of Independence.
“If nominated, I will not accept; if elected, I will not serve.”
William Tecumseh Sherman (1820 – 1891)